By meticulously probing between every innuendo and potentially offensive comment, we have been able to discover all the things that we absolutely cannot stand about one another in this Zeus-forsaken world of ours. This, of course, sketches a perfect blueprint for the construction of a Twin Towers' worth of explosive arguing when we should be thinking about ways of scraping our collective manure together.
So, let me inject -- directly into the aorta of the Mrs. Mia Wallace that is our Future Outlook -- an adrenalin shot of inspiration. I propose our first brand new coalition of the new political era be forged between two distinct groups towards a single fundamental ideal -- the fundamental ideal as far as I can tell-- the rescue of the environment in which we plan to live for more than a couple more centuries.
Now don't figuratively cast me into the tear-proof garbage bag with all your other recycled-paper solicitations from Sundance and the boys down at the NRDC, this is gonna be fun.
I'm proposing that the under-50 masses that consider themselves Environmentalists should let down their anti-Conservative guard as well as their ponytails. In my opinion, to save the environment, the Tree Huggers have to sit down at the table with the -- Gasp! -- Gun Nuts.
Anyone who has ever watched buffalo or elk graze in Yellowstone National Park, and I'm sure the ponytails number in the millions for this experience, ought to bend over and kiss the grass at the feet of the ghost of the gunslingin' 26th president of the good ol' U.S. of AAAA-mer'ca. Teddy Roosevelt showed that you can love the environment and kill things in the environment at the same time. He essentially invented the National Park. There are plenty of modern-day Teddys(ies?) exercising their Washington-given right to bear whatever arms they durn well please. Most of them just love to kill 'em some Furry Forest Creatures, but just so we're clear, many of them actually understand that for there to be FFCs (as no one calls them), there must be forests.
Without hunting, spear, bow or otherwise, there would have never been the protein rush that infused enough brain goo into our ancient ancestors ridged skulls to finally inspire them to Paint the Walls. Killing is part of life, and guns are the way we kill. We shouldn't be trying to disarm the public, we should be trying to keep educating them -- and learning from them.
Now certainly this also requires some understanding on Captain NRA's side as well, but I honestly believe if he's spoken to with the simple respect anyone should give any other human being, we could really get to work on saving at least one tree or two here or there. Just don't everybody go walking out there in November without your orange on.
To sum up, if these two groups could meet on some common high ground and demand the preservation of wild areas, then we could be well on our way to glossing over our other differences about things like prayer in school, 'Bortions, hom'sexyuls, and Sin's Original Recipe and its requirement of an Extra Crispy afterlife.
We don't have to focus on every difference we have in every conversation we have. We don't have to gauge each other's I.Q. based on a harmless turn of phrase or a particularly bold fashion choice. We can potentially find respect for both sides of an issue that truly has two (or 20) sides.
And then we can start working on ways of convincing each other that some things are just plain wrong.
